Fred in the comments of yesterday’s post noted that his wife foraged 24 of these suckers during her perambulations of Cotuit. Today, expecting a minor haul of litter, I set out down the same walk as yesterday and found 47 of the little bottles of fun, most strewn in a single spot near Loop Beach, others scattered randomly around Main Street and Oceanview.
Here’s the scenario behind the evidence in my Sherlock Holmesian mind:
- The perp is an alcoholic. (Durrr. No way!) As a former bartender I know serious vodka drinkers are the real deal.
- It’s two people. Maybe three, but most of these belong to the vodka man
- The vodka man likes flavored vodka. Primarily cranberry and orange flavors
- The cranberry preference points to a local who wants to be a localvore and drink the native fruit
- The second perp likes Jim Beam
- The third is an occasional schnapps drinker, though I suspect Schnapps Man and Vodka Man are the same
- The perp drinks these at Loop Beach while parked and looking out at Nantucket Sound
- He is a he
- He has a drunk driving arrest on his record which is why he tosses the empties as he drives away, as he doesn’t want to be nailed under the open container law
- He may do this during the day, preferring to drink the more economical version from a bottle at home.
- It wouldn’t make sense for him to do this in the evening, unless he is concealing his drinking from his wife or girlfriend.
- He does not live in Cotuit.
- I bet he buys these at the Coop.
- I bet he drinks two, maybe four at a time.