The Money Cannon

“Okay,” I say, “so we could even take it one step further. We build a money cannon. It’s a big cannon that shoots dollar bills. You just need a big fan, in a box, and then a tube sticking out. We mount the cannon on the back of a Hummer, with HubSpot in huge letters on both sides, and we drive around a city blowing money into the streets. Think of the disruption! People rushing into the streets, trying to grab as many dollar bills as they can. They’d be fighting over the money, like people at Walmart on Black Friday. It would be a nightmare!”

Dan Lyons Disrupted: My Misadventure in the Start-Up Bubble.

I shouldn’t be a total prick but today the Money Cannon became real. Someone finally offered me money to take a phone call.  It was an big stiff enveloped marked “DO NOT BEND” from a “predictive customer acquisition” company.  I opened it up and pulled out a single sheet of glossy goodness with an Amazon gift card stuck on it with that weird booger clue credit card companies use to stick new cards onto paper.

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The instructions told me to go online, enter a PIN number and answer a short survey to activate the card. Nowhere on the mailer did it indicate what value the card may hold, so naturally I lied on the dozen or so questions (Afghanistan, Aerospace, “I don’t know”) just to get the online equivalent of a scratch ticket.

$5 — five bucks. That was it. And the best part was the come-on at the end that challenged me to take a 30 minute phone call to bump the card up to $50. Now we’re talking.

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I  bet their predictive algorithm didn’t predict I’d give them grief for loading up the money cannon.

 

 

Some men want to see the world burn

I love Gmail because of the Exclamation Point button. This is an icon that I push a few times every day when some email marketer hounds me to “please point me to the person in your company who handles Account Based Marketing” or wants to find some time to talk about my “content management attribution challenges in the coming year.”

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I know these emails have code embedded in them that tells the sender when I’ve opened them. I know that I will never respond to them. Never take their phone call. Have no guilt over ignoring them.

But the Exclamation Point — well it’s basically the email marketing equivalent of dumping the Alien Monster out of the airlock into the vacuum of space where no one can hear them scream. Not only does a quick click of the button block the sender from ever landing in my inbox again, it reports them to some unseen power as a spammer.

Aww.Poor email marketers with their “lovable marketing content.” Try it. It’s fun.

 

Stuff worth despising….

  1. Leaf blowers. Trumpets of Satan designed to ruin an otherwise perfectly lovely fall afternoon.hqdefault
  2. Luggage with wheels: real men lug their stuff, weenies roll and block the jetway doing it.sac-laptop-trolley-puffy-monster-white
  3. Flavored coffee: raspberry-hazelnut is up there with a full diaper in my list of stenches to avoid.
  4. Un-tucked shirts in the office. (exception if the tail is pulled through the fly of one’s trousers for that “Prince Ruprecht” look)stock-photo-man-with-shirt-tail-out-zipper-13886470
  5. The words:
    1. “Really?” uttered to feign disbelief
    2. “Pivot” (except in the sentence “Perch on this and pivot
    3. “Glisten” (up there with “throbbing”
    4. “Content” (the noun, not the adjective)
  6. Honkers: I’m mowing the effing lawn, I don’t care if you are driving past my house. You get the middle finger. That includes you Mom.